Tag Archives: anxiety

Forward!…My Thought for the Day…June 12, 2019

forward
June 12, 2019

“Don’t let the past steal your present.”

-Terri Guillemets


Forward!

How do we keep moving forward when seemingly immobilized by the past?  Whenever I see this particular quote, I think of another, “Past performance is not indicative of future results.”  It makes me laugh a little.

But it is still hard to not be influenced by the past.  The key is balance, use the past as a tool to make a decision, but only as a tool.  Don’t let it overwhelm you where you are frozen and unable to make a decision.

I speak of this from extensive experience of being frozen and unable to make a decision.  Which I am finding is another symptom of Asperger’s.  And speaking of being frozen, the next quote I am reminded of is “Not to decide is to decide.” by Harvey Cox.  I can still see it plainly boxed out in a sidebar in my religion textbook from catholic grade school.  Funny it has stuck with me all these years; it must be important!

So how do we use the past simply as tool, and not let it steal our present?  I wish I knew!  Maybe simply being aware that this is a possibility?  Simply being aware when you go into that frozen state and realizing what is happening.  That you are being immobilized by the past, which is over, and really has no direct bearing on the now.

And finally, another quote I am reminded of, “Awareness is the first step…”  Yes, I suppose awareness IS the first step.  Only by being aware of our weaknesses can we move forward.

 

Fix the Environment…My Thought for the Day…June 10, 2019

fix the environment suzygoebel.com/blog
June 7, 2019

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
Alexander Den Heijer


Fix the Environment?

So, I am intimately acquainted with this quote.  I have been in many situations where, I, the flower, was not blooming as I should.  And the remedy was always to fix me, the flower, rather than address the possibility that the environment might not be the best for me.

I have not had the easiest time in my professional life, or personal life for that matter!  I recently sought help from the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.  DVR is a state agency tasked with helping people with disabilities find and keep employment.  I have a long history of major depression which makes me eligible for services from them, so I thought, why not?  Maybe they can help me.  I brought up to my counselor that I thought I might be bipolar, and I didn’t think depression was the only thing going on.  She agreed and authorized a comprehensive psychological assessment.

So, I have had these assessments before, but stupid me always lied on them, because, well, I didn’t want to be crazy.  So, this time, I decided to be fully honest and answer all the questions to the best of my ability, since I am not getting any younger or any better for that matter.  If anything, certain struggles are getting worse as I get older.

Results

Last week Thursday was my follow up appointment to get the findings.  Turns out, I am both bipolar AND autistic!!  High functioning autism to be clear (formerly known as Asperger’s Syndrome), I sure didn’t see that coming.  But it does make a lot of sense.  It is unfortunate I didn’t find this out when I was younger so I could better address the issues and problems my conditions present.

I’m still in a little shock.  A little sad.  Ok a lot of sad.  I feel I have wasted my life at this point, just floundering on the beach like a washed-up fish.  A little scared too.  Not that this diagnosis really changes anything, I am still the person I always was, and it is not a death sentence.  But I am finally realizing I will most likely never be successful in the world of work and no matter how intelligent and how much education I get.  I am just not able to cope with professional situations the way most people are.

I can ‘chameleon’ for only so long, then I get exhausted and the masks come off. I need more time off than most due to this disorder, and most people can’t understand that.  Even my husband doesn’t understand my need for downtime, or I lose it and melt down.  At least I know why I meltdown now!

We all know meltdowns at work are never a good thing.  I believe the longest job I ever held was only due to the large amount of vacation time I had which I also needed to supplement with unpaid time off (FMLA).  Which obviously raised many an eyebrow and hindered my ability to move on to other positions.

Next Steps…

So, where do I go from here?  I am not sure yet.  The doctor said my DVR counselor is really good and can help me immensely, hopefully, this is the case!  Now, I will just start researching more about what it means to be on the autism spectrum and how to cope with that.  I will try to fix my environment because I guess there is no way to fix me!  And maybe have a drink or 3.

I also now know why I was bullied at school and at work.  So, to all the people out there that have ever thought I was off or weird, I guess you were right!  I am going to have to learn to be proud to say…

 

 

So suck it!

Courage Is a Muscle …My Thought for the Day…May 31, 2019

Courage Is a Muscle suzygoebel.com/blog
May 31, 2019

“We don’t develop courage by being happy every day.  We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

Barbara De Angelis


Courage Is a Muscle

Courage is a muscle.  And like any muscle, it needs to be developed and used or it can go flabby.  When we survive a difficult time or challenge adversity, generally we can feel proud of that and it helps to grow our courage.

But what about the not so difficult times?  I have found in my life, as I have settled into my own comfortable routine, that my courage muscle has gone flabby.  Things I once wouldn’t have batted an eye at seem to scare me more now than ever.  I was talking to my sister earlier and lamenting how the older you get the goofier you get, and she agreed!

Challenge the Fear

So, what is the answer?  Well, you can stay afraid and hide in routine and safe pursuits, or you can challenge your fears.  I don’t mean skydiving or bungee jumping, but if that’s what you want to do, more power to you!

I am thinking more baby steps to start.  Identify a small fear you may have, be it going to a crowded store, or driving on the highway.  Then play it out in your mind, like you are actually doing it.  How do you feel?  A little anxious?  That’s ok!  Do you think maybe you could challenge this fear and go for that drive?  How about you set a limit, such as, ‘I will get on the highway and drive, but I will allow myself, no questions asked, to get off at the nearest exit if I need to’.  And see how it goes.  You might find you don’t want to get off, and that driving can be fun.

Either way, be gentle with yourself, the fears are very real.  And every step you take to conquer them are a victory, and should be celebrated as such.  If you can tackle one small fear a day, or every couple of days you will find your courage growing like the muscle it is!  And if not, again, be gentle with yourself, you will when you are ready.

What small fear will you conquer today?

My Thought for the Day…March 19, 2019

“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’  Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.”

-George Herbert

I have found personally that it is always better to be doing something than nothing.  When I am doing nothing, that is when the fear and and anxiety creep in.   Doing even one small thing helps to break that mindset, and even better, one small thing usually leads to more small things and before you know it, you are moving again!

Have a great Tuesday!